My daughter graduates from high school tomorrow.  You know, the little girl that cluttered my house with Beanie Babies and My Little Ponies; the little girl that was inconsolable when "Timmy" her caterpillar died; the little girl that has sprinkled a mix of chaos and sunshine in every corner of my life.

It's been interesting when I've mentioned to people that my daughter is graduating.  It's almost always met with, "What is she going to do now?"  and is usually closely followed by a resume of Harvard graduates, getting accepted into law school, getting an internship with a prestigious firm somewhere.  We do love to brag about our children. 
I love the look on their faces when I get to say, "She's going to go live a beautiful life." 
"Is she going to college?" 
"No, not right now....maybe not ever." 
"What is she going to do????"
Again, I get to say...."She's going to go live a beautiful life."
How do I know this?  Because of all of the things I know about in my life, and there are a couple, one of the things I know best, is my daughter.  In her eyes, in her soul, in her face...there is a gentleness right behind the sarcasm and the foul mouth, there is a kindness right behind the laughter over the kid that ate shit on the skateboard in front of the house, there is an incredible STRENGTH right behind the question mark that is at the end of the "What is she going to do?"
She craves life, she has a depth of understanding that I envy, and she understands that SHE controls her destiny....she understands that the important things in life aren't things, they are moments, strings of moments....they are people, both good and bad that impact our paths and our lives.  She understands at 18 freaking years old.....so yeah, my girl is going to live a beautiful life and I'm going to brag about it anyone that will listen.

On Becoming......the "V" word....

I have spent most of my life taking care of things and people....fixing things and fixing people...I have been the "go to" girl in many a crisis and have reveled in that position.  I've always prided myself on working well under pressure and I've always considered it some twisted badge of honor that I've gone through some pretty intense stuff with a poker face and without a visible scar.

I've slowly built quite a fortress...an impressive sight with gun turrets and a couple of catapults for flinging back anything I don't really want to deal with.  I had become very adept at dodging through the secret passageways and springing up at the appropriate time, with the appropriate response and the appropriate affect so that no one really knew what I was feeling.  That was important to me because of the dictionary definition of this word:

 vul·ner·a·ble/ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl/Adjective

1. Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally: "we were in a vulnerable position".

 

I always believed that to be vulnerable was a bad thing....it certainly SOUNDS like a bad thing....possibility of being ATTACKED or HARMED for hell's sake....who would want THAT?

It's taken me a couple of years of living outside (OK, OK halfway in and halfway out of) the fortress to realize that there is a flip side to that....a mirror image of the definition....

 vul·ner·a·ble/ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl/Adjective

1. Exposed to the possibility of being loved and appreciated, either physically or emotionally: "I AM in a vulnerable position".

 

And so now here I am, close to 50 and learning something new.....learning that it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be happy, it's okay to make EPIC mistakes, it's okay that you trusted the wrong person, it's okay to just be whatever the hell it is that you are.....to just be perfect in your creation and perfectly vulnerable in the moment....(and of course, by definition "you" means "ME", but if I say "YOU" it still leaves me some wiggle room.....ya gotta give me that.)

 

There are some scars now....and they show....and that's okay, too.  It's highly likely there will be more because I'm not willing to play it totally safe anymore.  I'm going to weeble my way through the rest of my life....wobbling and catching my footing again and again.  

I have challenged myself to be vulnerable....to take chances on things that might not work out, to change directions on a whim, to trust my gut, to live and love passionately....and to be vulnerable....and all that that entails....and that's pretty fucking trippy.

What About Love?

Valentine's Day.....dddddaaamnnn.....there are few holidays that the mere mention evokes heated and emotional discussions like this one!  There are the lovers - who are usually the ones in "new" relationships, the haters - who are usually the ones in long term relationships or single, and then.....there's me.
I thought about it last night....thought about my last few Valentine's Days....the last couple I fell quite solidly in the 'hater' category....two years ago I was in the beginning stages of realizing my marriage was over, I was intensely sad and felt like an incredible failure.  Last year, I was fairly fresh on the heels of a divorce, I was intensely confused felt like an incredible failure.  Valentine's Day for the last two years was like scrubbing a an open wound with a wire brush....so I totally understand the camp the espouses a devout hatred for a holiday that tosses love and relationships in our faces.
On the surface, I AM a failure at love...at least the kind in the "Every kiss begins with Kay" commercial.  I was married and now I'm not.  It took both of us to make the marriage fail and I accept my responsibility for that.  What I also CLAIM responsibility for is that I recognized we both deserved more.  He deserved to be loved in a way that I could not provide; I deserved to be happy in way that I could not be inside the confines of the relationship.  There have been arrows shot in both directions and more pain than I care to dwell on, but ultimately I have come out of the tunnel a better person.  There are people that will argue that point and I will allow them their opinion, but I know my truths.
So really, a dissertation about divorce on Valentine's Day.....I hear you saying, "Gee Paige, that's nice."  Okay, here's where it gets better.....once I got past the pain, the anger, the accusations, the rock slinging, the feeling of failure...it made room.  It made so much room; we're talking concert hall kind of room.  It opened up so much space in my heart, in my soul that it allowed so many things to flow in that I hadn't felt for so long.  Joy, energy, beauty, passion, power, confidence...and of course, the other side of that coin...fear, anxiety, uncertainty.  The amazing thing  is that there is room to process all of it, to experience all of it; so experience it I do! 
I will never try and talk anyone in or out of a position on Valentine's Day, nor a position about love in general.  It's a personal thing that everyone has to process in their own way.  Love it, hate it, or just be like me and let it be.
Jaded and cynical me.....what about love?  The truth is, I don't know....but hey, there's room for it and that's a good thing......oh and, Happy Valentine's Day!

Too Much, There's Too Much F*$cking Perspective

I love that quote from "This is Spinal Tap".  It often visits me in my life. 
Seems like I get a lot of perspective. 
Lately, I've been asking for clarity; for PERSPECTIVE.  Another cliche, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. 
Clarity and perspective have been flying at me like bricks through a window.  The things that have been fuzzy for me for the last couple of years are suddenly absolutely, undeniably and sometimes, quite painfully, in focus.
People that I love, that I have loved, that I trust and have trusted have let me down.  They have given me clarity....which is what I asked for.
Today was a Venti with a triple shot of clarity... it came from every possible direction, with lightning bolts and those scary black smoke people from GHOST...okay, okay, a gross exaggeration, but you get my point.
I had to run to Target after work....after this seemingly crap hole of a day...there's a loud, big, coupon bearing woman in front of me....awesome....perspective....she puts her stuff on the belt...and so I put the little separator thing down and put my stuff on the belt....then she starts putting things back in the cart, asking the clerk to take this off and ring it separate, use this coupon here, this charge card there, and cash here.... "Can I add one more bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and I'll just run a get it?"
Meanwhile, my shit is rolling on the belt and encroaching on her coupon infested, ring up separate, run some scam territory and she doesn't have room to restock from her cart.  She looks at the clerk and says, "That lady's stuff is in my way.  What am I supposed to do?"  I'm in a shit mood, I decide to pretend I don't hear her.  The clerk, bless his heart just tells her to hand him the crap one thing at a time.....finally I just look at her and say...."It's a roast chicken and a fucking bra.  Scoot it back and load up your peanut butter cups."  She looked horrified...perhaps because I was buying a roast chicken and a bra, perhaps because I dropped the "F" bomb in Target, perhaps because the clerk couldn't hold it back and laughed outloud.....at any rate....I don't care....she needed perspective.  She was being a giant coupon infested pain in the ass.
My point.....is there one?  I'm not really sure.....oh wait, yeah....there is.  It comes at us from all directions.....the clarity, the perspective, the moments that make you stop and change directions.  The moments that you realize that people aren't always who and what you expect them to be, and that's okay.  You allow them to be.  If who they truly are doesn't fit in with your higher purpose, with your plan for yourself, with your greater good.....then kindly excuse them from your life.  Oh I know that horrible temptation to do it with fire and a shovel to the head, but the truth is....the only way to stay true to the Law of Allowing is to excuse them with love and light.  It's hard....and on the surface, doesn't seem right....but it's about ME, not about them.  If I excuse them in a storm of fire and flying brain matter....I'm going to get burned and splattered with gelatinous goo....unpleasant.  If I excuse them with love and light, I'm going to be bathed in warmth and have that love returned to me in another direction......so there it is.  I know what I want.
So as I move towards what I know I want, what I know I deserve, who I know I am, the power that I hold, the beauty I can create, the abundance that is waiting for me....please, you may be excused. 
Take with you my love and my light, I'll make more.

Indelible Markers

I was at the store today and found myself among the office supplies.  Really, that isn't that unusual.  I've always had sort of a weird penchant for office and school supplies.  I like pens....I like sharpies....I like pencils with sharp points.  Today though, I was struck in particular by INDELIBLE MARKERS.  It made me think, because that's what I do.

As I sit on the very edge of this gift of a new year, I thought about the indelible markers in my life.  The human sharpies and permanent ink experiences that have left a mark that no amount of scrubbing can remove. 

I have been most fortunate in the majority of my marks.  Most of them, even when they were unpleasant during the experience, have taken me to a new place. 

I wear my marks proudly.  Most of them I wouldn't remove, if I could.  We live in a world of temporary thoughts, a world that has become disposable.  People pay thousands of dollars to have their indelible marks removed.  These are the things that make us who we are. 

I am happy that a few of the people that read this are some of the indelible markers of my life.  I have friends that have left colorful swatches across my soul.  You are the ones that make the dark marks tolerable.  For that, I thank you.

The Obligatory Gratitude Blog

Ah yes, Thanksgiving.....concentrating on family, on gratitude, on abundance....what a day.

I've spent the last three weeks consciously trying to concentrate on gratitude.  It sounds simple enough, but the reality is that some days are much easier than others.  Intellectually, I know that I have so much in my life.  I have people who love me unconditionally, I have people I love unconditionally.  I have a warm, safe home.  I have enough to eat.  I have a healthy body.  I have the most amazing biological daughter and I was allowed the privilege of being part of raising an amazing son.  All of those things can bring to to tears of gratitude with no effort at all.
Then there are 'those' days.  The days that life just seems too much.  We live in uncertain economic times.  I live in a fifty year old house with things that are constantly needing attention...and I only have one screwdriver.  Storms blow in, the temperature drops....clouds come in and it seems like the sun only shines other places.
I've decided to allow myself 'those' days....those moments...I'm tired of putting "shoulds" into my vocabulary.  As in, "You shouldn't think like that, you have so much."  Well....I do think like that.  The important thing is not to STAY in thoughts like that.  Allow them, experience them, learn from them and move on.
Yep, it's cold.  We live in the mountains.....it happens.  Yep, my washing machine broke.  It's ten years old....it happens.  Yep, the dog puked on the carpet.  They eat disgusting things....it happens.  Warm it up, fix it up, clean it up....move on.

I had a long talk with a friend last week about how our lives didn't turn out quite the way we expected when we were in our twenties.  I expected that I would get married and stay married.  I didn't.  I expected that my career would always revolve around law enforcement somehow. It didn't.  I expected that I would be
better off financially in my forties than I was in my twenties.  I'm really not. 

Today, however, I am so grateful that my life didn't turn out like I expected it to.  I have had the most amazing journey of finding my place in the world.  I've been able to reach inside and find MY joy.  Not the joy that comes from being a wife, a mother, a career woman....the joy that comes from being me.
I am so grateful that the journey continues and I am in a position to choose the path, to create the destination.  I am beyond grateful that I have been able to, through the changes in my life, help my daughter understand some of that, too. 

As Alice said in Wonderland.....It's my dream, I choose the path.
What a lovely path it is.  I am grateful

"Seeking" Inspiration

I've been caught in this uncomfortable cycle for a while.....where it feels like you're on the edge of a transition, a new alignment....but felt like the road in front of me had fallen into a pit and I just couldn't get "there" from "here". 

So I've spent literally days "seeking" inspiration, I've been reading, meditating, praying (YES, I pray....said in my best Ouiser Boudreaux voice) thinking that "inspiration" would come to me like a lightening bolt from the sky and that suddenly everything would be clear.....the road would appear and the virtual GPS of my life would give out loud turn by turn directions to fulfillment and happiness.

Over the last couple of days and last night in particular, I realized that "seeking" inspiration is like "seeking" rain.  It comes when it comes....and it doesn't when it doesn't, quite simple really.  I came to realize that there are long stretches of drought....and in those times you find inspiration in very small things.  Watching a movie quietly with a friend.....and hearing that one ridiculous line that makes you say....."Yep, that's it for today.....and that's good enough."

I'm anticipating a monsoon of inspiration, and it will come.  In the meantime, a sprinkle here and there is fine.  I'm going to stop seeking.....I'm going to start listening...for thunder in the distance, for that glorious smell of rain before the storm....the reminders that inspiration is out there we just have to quiet ourselves and sometimes stop 'seeking'.

Sometimes, you just have to remember Rule #32......Enjoy the little things.