On Becoming......the "V" word....

I have spent most of my life taking care of things and people....fixing things and fixing people...I have been the "go to" girl in many a crisis and have reveled in that position.  I've always prided myself on working well under pressure and I've always considered it some twisted badge of honor that I've gone through some pretty intense stuff with a poker face and without a visible scar.

I've slowly built quite a fortress...an impressive sight with gun turrets and a couple of catapults for flinging back anything I don't really want to deal with.  I had become very adept at dodging through the secret passageways and springing up at the appropriate time, with the appropriate response and the appropriate affect so that no one really knew what I was feeling.  That was important to me because of the dictionary definition of this word:

 vul·ner·a·ble/ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl/Adjective

1. Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally: "we were in a vulnerable position".

 

I always believed that to be vulnerable was a bad thing....it certainly SOUNDS like a bad thing....possibility of being ATTACKED or HARMED for hell's sake....who would want THAT?

It's taken me a couple of years of living outside (OK, OK halfway in and halfway out of) the fortress to realize that there is a flip side to that....a mirror image of the definition....

 vul·ner·a·ble/ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl/Adjective

1. Exposed to the possibility of being loved and appreciated, either physically or emotionally: "I AM in a vulnerable position".

 

And so now here I am, close to 50 and learning something new.....learning that it's okay to ask for help, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be happy, it's okay to make EPIC mistakes, it's okay that you trusted the wrong person, it's okay to just be whatever the hell it is that you are.....to just be perfect in your creation and perfectly vulnerable in the moment....(and of course, by definition "you" means "ME", but if I say "YOU" it still leaves me some wiggle room.....ya gotta give me that.)

 

There are some scars now....and they show....and that's okay, too.  It's highly likely there will be more because I'm not willing to play it totally safe anymore.  I'm going to weeble my way through the rest of my life....wobbling and catching my footing again and again.  

I have challenged myself to be vulnerable....to take chances on things that might not work out, to change directions on a whim, to trust my gut, to live and love passionately....and to be vulnerable....and all that that entails....and that's pretty fucking trippy.