Valentine's Day.....dddddaaamnnn.....there are few holidays that the mere mention evokes heated and emotional discussions like this one! There are the lovers - who are usually the ones in "new" relationships, the haters - who are usually the ones in long term relationships or single, and then.....there's me.
I thought about it last night....thought about my last few Valentine's Days....the last couple I fell quite solidly in the 'hater' category....two years ago I was in the beginning stages of realizing my marriage was over, I was intensely sad and felt like an incredible failure. Last year, I was fairly fresh on the heels of a divorce, I was intensely confused felt like an incredible failure. Valentine's Day for the last two years was like scrubbing a an open wound with a wire brush....so I totally understand the camp the espouses a devout hatred for a holiday that tosses love and relationships in our faces.
On the surface, I AM a failure at love...at least the kind in the "Every kiss begins with Kay" commercial. I was married and now I'm not. It took both of us to make the marriage fail and I accept my responsibility for that. What I also CLAIM responsibility for is that I recognized we both deserved more. He deserved to be loved in a way that I could not provide; I deserved to be happy in way that I could not be inside the confines of the relationship. There have been arrows shot in both directions and more pain than I care to dwell on, but ultimately I have come out of the tunnel a better person. There are people that will argue that point and I will allow them their opinion, but I know my truths.
So really, a dissertation about divorce on Valentine's Day.....I hear you saying, "Gee Paige, that's nice." Okay, here's where it gets better.....once I got past the pain, the anger, the accusations, the rock slinging, the feeling of failure...it made room. It made so much room; we're talking concert hall kind of room. It opened up so much space in my heart, in my soul that it allowed so many things to flow in that I hadn't felt for so long. Joy, energy, beauty, passion, power, confidence...and of course, the other side of that coin...fear, anxiety, uncertainty. The amazing thing is that there is room to process all of it, to experience all of it; so experience it I do!
I will never try and talk anyone in or out of a position on Valentine's Day, nor a position about love in general. It's a personal thing that everyone has to process in their own way. Love it, hate it, or just be like me and let it be.
Jaded and cynical me.....what about love? The truth is, I don't know....but hey, there's room for it and that's a good thing......oh and, Happy Valentine's Day!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Too Much, There's Too Much F*$cking Perspective
I love that quote from "This is Spinal Tap". It often visits me in my life.
Seems like I get a lot of perspective.
Lately, I've been asking for clarity; for PERSPECTIVE. Another cliche, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.
Clarity and perspective have been flying at me like bricks through a window. The things that have been fuzzy for me for the last couple of years are suddenly absolutely, undeniably and sometimes, quite painfully, in focus.
People that I love, that I have loved, that I trust and have trusted have let me down. They have given me clarity....which is what I asked for.
Today was a Venti with a triple shot of clarity... it came from every possible direction, with lightning bolts and those scary black smoke people from GHOST...okay, okay, a gross exaggeration, but you get my point.
I had to run to Target after work....after this seemingly crap hole of a day...there's a loud, big, coupon bearing woman in front of me....awesome....perspective....she puts her stuff on the belt...and so I put the little separator thing down and put my stuff on the belt....then she starts putting things back in the cart, asking the clerk to take this off and ring it separate, use this coupon here, this charge card there, and cash here.... "Can I add one more bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and I'll just run a get it?"
Meanwhile, my shit is rolling on the belt and encroaching on her coupon infested, ring up separate, run some scam territory and she doesn't have room to restock from her cart. She looks at the clerk and says, "That lady's stuff is in my way. What am I supposed to do?" I'm in a shit mood, I decide to pretend I don't hear her. The clerk, bless his heart just tells her to hand him the crap one thing at a time.....finally I just look at her and say...."It's a roast chicken and a fucking bra. Scoot it back and load up your peanut butter cups." She looked horrified...perhaps because I was buying a roast chicken and a bra, perhaps because I dropped the "F" bomb in Target, perhaps because the clerk couldn't hold it back and laughed outloud.....at any rate....I don't care....she needed perspective. She was being a giant coupon infested pain in the ass.
My point.....is there one? I'm not really sure.....oh wait, yeah....there is. It comes at us from all directions.....the clarity, the perspective, the moments that make you stop and change directions. The moments that you realize that people aren't always who and what you expect them to be, and that's okay. You allow them to be. If who they truly are doesn't fit in with your higher purpose, with your plan for yourself, with your greater good.....then kindly excuse them from your life. Oh I know that horrible temptation to do it with fire and a shovel to the head, but the truth is....the only way to stay true to the Law of Allowing is to excuse them with love and light. It's hard....and on the surface, doesn't seem right....but it's about ME, not about them. If I excuse them in a storm of fire and flying brain matter....I'm going to get burned and splattered with gelatinous goo....unpleasant. If I excuse them with love and light, I'm going to be bathed in warmth and have that love returned to me in another direction......so there it is. I know what I want.
So as I move towards what I know I want, what I know I deserve, who I know I am, the power that I hold, the beauty I can create, the abundance that is waiting for me....please, you may be excused.
Take with you my love and my light, I'll make more.
Seems like I get a lot of perspective.
Lately, I've been asking for clarity; for PERSPECTIVE. Another cliche, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.
Clarity and perspective have been flying at me like bricks through a window. The things that have been fuzzy for me for the last couple of years are suddenly absolutely, undeniably and sometimes, quite painfully, in focus.
People that I love, that I have loved, that I trust and have trusted have let me down. They have given me clarity....which is what I asked for.
Today was a Venti with a triple shot of clarity... it came from every possible direction, with lightning bolts and those scary black smoke people from GHOST...okay, okay, a gross exaggeration, but you get my point.
I had to run to Target after work....after this seemingly crap hole of a day...there's a loud, big, coupon bearing woman in front of me....awesome....perspective....she puts her stuff on the belt...and so I put the little separator thing down and put my stuff on the belt....then she starts putting things back in the cart, asking the clerk to take this off and ring it separate, use this coupon here, this charge card there, and cash here.... "Can I add one more bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and I'll just run a get it?"
Meanwhile, my shit is rolling on the belt and encroaching on her coupon infested, ring up separate, run some scam territory and she doesn't have room to restock from her cart. She looks at the clerk and says, "That lady's stuff is in my way. What am I supposed to do?" I'm in a shit mood, I decide to pretend I don't hear her. The clerk, bless his heart just tells her to hand him the crap one thing at a time.....finally I just look at her and say...."It's a roast chicken and a fucking bra. Scoot it back and load up your peanut butter cups." She looked horrified...perhaps because I was buying a roast chicken and a bra, perhaps because I dropped the "F" bomb in Target, perhaps because the clerk couldn't hold it back and laughed outloud.....at any rate....I don't care....she needed perspective. She was being a giant coupon infested pain in the ass.
My point.....is there one? I'm not really sure.....oh wait, yeah....there is. It comes at us from all directions.....the clarity, the perspective, the moments that make you stop and change directions. The moments that you realize that people aren't always who and what you expect them to be, and that's okay. You allow them to be. If who they truly are doesn't fit in with your higher purpose, with your plan for yourself, with your greater good.....then kindly excuse them from your life. Oh I know that horrible temptation to do it with fire and a shovel to the head, but the truth is....the only way to stay true to the Law of Allowing is to excuse them with love and light. It's hard....and on the surface, doesn't seem right....but it's about ME, not about them. If I excuse them in a storm of fire and flying brain matter....I'm going to get burned and splattered with gelatinous goo....unpleasant. If I excuse them with love and light, I'm going to be bathed in warmth and have that love returned to me in another direction......so there it is. I know what I want.
So as I move towards what I know I want, what I know I deserve, who I know I am, the power that I hold, the beauty I can create, the abundance that is waiting for me....please, you may be excused.
Take with you my love and my light, I'll make more.
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